Life Is Peachy

2 years of sarcastic magic

2007-10-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've been a member of some online student forum now for over 2 years. Most of the time i like to hang about the 'Health + Relationships' forum to laugh at other's lives. Recently i decided to take a look at my written posts from long ago and found some pure sarcastic magic. All of these are un-edited forum replies written by me at some point. Enjoy.

Re: Alternatives to anti-depressants?
Sex.

Re: Bored in bed
Google: 'Sexual positions' that'll keep you entertained.
block, delete, not your problem. Simple :)

Re: I'm gay for my housemate
Ummm... i wouldnt recommend trying anything untill you are 100% sure he IS gay.. couldlead to a VERY awkward living environment.

Re: hating school
just be happy in the knowledge that one day.. they will be serving you McDonalds as yougo through the driv'thru in a BMW.

Re: Why She Loves The Thug In You
ITS NOT NORMAL! It's what the chav culture has brainwashed much of today's youth into.God help us all.

Re: Do not want to be a nice guy anymore
go up to a girl.. insult her... get slapped... realise that a 'not nice guy' is not whatany normal girl wants

Re: donating sperm?
£10 for doing what most guys do best?? Sounds awesome to me!

Re: not having a best friend, lonely, chat too much rubbish?
Make a best friend? Problem solved. Thank me later.

Re: Too Early?
If any girl i was dating asked me to come stay with her (in bed ;)) it'd be like: KerrrrrChing!:D

Re: What do guys look in for in a girl?
Face, Tits, Ass, Personality. In that order.

Re: Do you believe that beauty in the eye of the beholded?
No. An ugly girl is ugly however you look at her... Unless alcohol is applied, inwhich case ugliness gets slightly less with alot of drink.

Re: Can Ugly Mingers Ever Find Love?
The internet is a godsend for this exact reason ;) Just remember - Webcams are notyour friend.

Re: He's going too slow?
Yer, stop being so incapable and move it on yourself?! Stop complaing that he;s notdoing anything when you clearly aint either.

Re: big problem
Thank you so much for sharing

Re: Bored in bed
google: 'Sexual positions' that'll keep you entertained.

Re: SEXXXXX-xxx you're hurting me!
Convince him to get a penis reduction

Re: When you've liked a guy for ages and find out they have a girlfriend
lower your standards... you'll find someone

Re: Ways to dump
Just start ignoring her.... Calls, texts... even if she turns up at your front door... eventuallyshe'll get the message. Easiest way to dump

Re: Ways to dump
Do it by text.... From one of those free texting websites... Infact, get a mate to do it for you by text from one of those free texting websites. Perfect way to end a relationship

Re: Bf Masturbation Problem
Who else saw this title and immediatly assumed the problem would be the bf masterbaiting too much?

Re: Small penis
hahaha, what a loser.

Re: How do u know if a girl fancies you in a club?
usually the 'Wanna come back to my place' line is a dead give-away.

And thats only half way through! I'll leave with my personal favorite:

Re: girlfriend had breast-reduction op behind my back
Owned.

Problems with your internet? You must be a retard

2007-02-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every single support call centre for any company instantly assumes your a complete retard?

I have the misfortune of internetting with Tiscali, and have recently found that my connection goes down the drain dead on 6pm. The problem isnt slow speeds or bad downloads, is that the connection physically disconnects us every 5 minutes. We were moved to a heavy usage server a few months ago which basically means our speeds will suck after 6pm, but not that our connection wont be active at all!

So, I call up the 'support and fault reporting' number provided, After establishing who I was, which went along the lines of:

"Hello, Tiscali, Can i have your name please?"
Duncan
"Im showing that account as being under the name of Joe"
Yes, He's my housemate, its a joint account
"Oh, do you mind if i refere to you as Joe?"
Yes, I do, Can you call me Duncan please.
"I'm sorry your having problems with your internet Joe, How can i help?"

At that point i just gave up and answered to the name Joe for the next half an hour. So, after establishing who i was, they ran through all the usual 'your a retard' questions along the lines of wether i had a virus or spyware, did i have a firewall, etc etc. Obviously not being a complete moron, and the fact my connection got shit ONLY after 6pm, i assured them it wasnt a problem with my pc. They then suggested that maybe it was a problem with my router, and asked wether i had a microwave near it. No, i dont have a fucking microwave near my router, i dont actually use my pc in my kitchen surprisingly.

Anyway, this went on for a bit, and i managed to convey the message that it wasnt a fault at my end. I was then told that because i was on a high bandwidth usage server my connection might be slower.. well no shit. I know its going to be slower, but not that its going to cut off every 5 minutes! This all took about 20 minutes to get across, after which i was told I'd have to e-mail the Uk service department. For obvious reasons, i never e-mail support departments, because you never actually get anything done, I wanted a contact phone number... However was told that they were unable to transfer my call or even actually provide me with the phone number at all!

Eventually i hung up on them and proceeded to write the e-mail to their uk service department as follows:

Dear Sir/Mam,

Following a lengthy phone conversation with the Tiscali general support and 'fault reporting' service i was directed to e-mail this department regarding the unstable connection i have been experience. Unfortunatly I was unable to obtain an actual phone number with which i could contact the Uk service department, I was told there was no ability to transfer calls between departments nor indeed for them to even provide me with a contact phone number for the department which could help me. This in itself shows a major support service flaw when the support contact phone number cannot even direct you to the service I'm then being told to contact.

Aside from this, the original matter is that my internet service is incredibley unstable from the hours of 6pm to around 12pm. I am aware that we have been migrated to a 'heavy usage' server and that we may experience 'slower broadband speeds', However the issue is that our connection is constantly being disconnected throughout these hours, typically as often as every 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as 30 minutes in duration. I refere to the e-mail we recieved informing us of this migration to the heavy usage server, which specifically states "download speeds may be affected", making no reference to actual connection issues. Simple minimal bandwidth program such as msn or irc are unable to even connect during these hours, Similarly download programs are unable to download at any speed at all suggesting that our bandwidth isnt being limited but that our connection is being activly blocked or that the server is faulty.

Following advice from the 'support' department, I have conducting all the nessasary virus scans etc etc, even to go as far as to do a complete PC reformat and am still experiencing the same problems, Also the fact that our service is excellent prior to 6pm shows the issue is server related and not my personal pc.

I was told by the 'support' department that i should try and limit my downloading during these peak hours in order to improve my service, however i fail to see why this would be of significance as i am unable to download at all. Overall, I am paying for what is advertised as an 'always on' internet broadband connection, However as can be seen, the connection is certainly not always on in any manner.

Regards.

Tiscali Sucks.

Barclays Sucks.

2007-01-25T05:33:00.000-08:00

All i wanted was a new cheque book, Takes me 10 minutes, being put on hold about 5 times, transfered between departments and then when its FINALLY done... they try to get me to 'upgrade' my account! No i dont want any fucking phone insurance with my account! No i dont want comprensive legal and tax advisors! No i dont want a fucking 8.5% APR interest credit card.. i just want to be able to go to a cash machine, put my card in and get some money out... Oh, and a cheque book!

Want my attention... Then buy me a fucking drink!!

2006-10-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Only recently i had a good mate telling me about a situation that occured the other week involving him, a fairly attractive chick and a pervy old man. Imagine the scene.. Fairly attractive girl is trying her fairly best to look cute while pervy old man eyes her up and makes a poor attempt at chit chat. My mate, being the throughly decent guy as he his, feels as a throughly decent guy he should go over there to help fairly attractive chick escape from this pervy old guy clearly old enough to be her father. No sooner has he arrived then he is quickly shooed off by fairly attractive chick... Confused my mate walks to the back of the pub where, 5 minutes later fairly attractive girl shows up, turns to my mate and says "Damn it! He didnt buy me a drink!".

Tell me, where the hell did this notion come from that girls deserve to have drinks continuously bought for them? If you wanna get drunk, buy your own fucking drinks. I have to work for my money like everyone else so if i wanna get drunk.. i buy my drinks, why should it be any different for girls?

The thing i really hate about this is that i can see EXACTLY how it all started... Some hot girl in a bar refused to go for a quick one with some guy in the back alley.. so he has to resort to getting her drunk in a desperate attempt she'll put on the beer goggles and not find him so repulsive. And so the trend has spread... Ever desperate guys go out and attempt to get sober innocent girls drunk in their poor attempts at pulling.

What diguests me is that this is a tradition many girls openly welcome. "Oh, they're just being nice" im frequently told... Oh really? Go stand in a McDonalds and ask if passing guys will buy you a Coke... im willing to be you'll get told to Fuck Off more often then i am when trying to reclaim my tax. Heres the dirty little secret girls... THEY WANT YOU DRUNK. Thats it, thats all there is too it.

I openly refuse to buy girls drinks... some have even got so cocky as to actually tell me to go and buy them a drink! What the hell, if YOU want MY attention, YOU can go and buy ME a drink bitch!

Know how all of this can be fixed... Nevermind, Go buy me a fucking drink and maybe i'll tell you.

An end to Women's Suffrage?!

2006-05-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

So, i got bored one afternoon after an exam, and decided to see if we really should be as worried as everyone says we should about the current state of the education system within the UK.

How better to judge the system then by taking random samples from people different ages within the system. The question, simple: Should we end Women's Suffrage within the UK?

suf·frage ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sfrj)
n.
The right or privilege of voting; franchise.
The exercise of such a right.

I asked girls of different ages wether they would sign a petiton to end Women's Suffrage. The question is... will the girls give up their right to vote rather then just admitting they dont even know what it means?! Here are the responses:

Amy - 15 Yrs Old

AMY says:
wats ur personal message about
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Would you sign a petition to end Women's suffage?
AMY says:
yer i fink

Zoe - 13 Yrs Old

www.peachyislife.co.uk --- UPDATED TODAY! (Correct link now) says:
Hey, want to sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage?
Misteeq: My family tried to kill me you pathetic meat sack says:
what?
Misteeq: My family tried to kill me you pathetic meat sack says:
erm...ok
Misteeq: My family tried to kill me you pathetic meat sack says:
lol
www.peachyislife.co.uk --- UPDATED TODAY! (Correct link now) says:
Cheers, its an online petition, all you have to do is say

"I, Zoe, am against Women's Suffrage"
www.peachyislife.co.uk --- UPDATED TODAY! (Correct link now) says:
and i'll screenshot and send it in
Misteeq: My family tried to kill me you pathetic meat sack says:
I, Zoe Boston, am against Women's Suffrage
www.peachyislife.co.uk --- UPDATED TODAY! (Correct link now) says:
Thanks
Misteeq: My family tried to kill me you pathetic meat sack says:
lol, np

Claire - 22 Yrs Old

Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Hey, would you sign a petition to end the repeating Suffrage of Women in the UK?
Claire says:
yeah, no probs
Claire says:
repeated sufferage of women? how so?
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
You know. suffrage happens quite alot to women
Claire says:
i know, but is it anything in particular? or all forms?
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
All forms of Suffrage
Claire says:
i see
Claire says:
no probs
Claire says:
how do i do this?
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Just say: I, Claire, want to put an end to Women's Suffrage
Claire says:
i see
Claire says:
I, Claire, want to put an end to Women's Suffrage
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Awesome, thanks

Hurrah! Finally a smart one! - Hannah - 16 Yrs Old

Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Hey, would you sign a petition to end the repeating Suffrage of Women in the UK?
lets all cruise for donkeys says:
is womens sufffrage the right to vote?
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Wow, Congratualtions
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Your the first girl I've asked who knew that
lets all cruise for donkeys says:
Lol and no i wudn't as i do intend to be like the first women lib dem leader/pm

Funniest response comes from non-other then my good friend Sarah - 18 Yrs Old

Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
wanna sign my petition?
Sarah says:
what for
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
The end women's Suffrage
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
you know it still goes on in some parts of Britian
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
we must put an end to it
Sarah says:
what is suffrage
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
You know, Suffrage of women
Sarah says:
what do mean by suffrage though, like give me an exampls
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
suffrage in general
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
it happens quite often
Sarah says:
suffrage as in suffering?
Sarah says:
like domestic abuse|
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
like suffrage as in suffrage
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
theres only 1 form of suffrage
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
and we should put an end to it

(Long time passes)

Sarah says:
so you don't want women to vote anymore?
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
Google did you?
Sarah says:
nope
Sarah says:
steve told me what it means
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
LOL!
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
your boyfriend told you what it ment, classic
Sign my petition to end Women's Suffrage says:
this is so going on peachyislife
Sarah says:
dont you dare

I cant argue with that

2006-04-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

Continuing with my on-going theme of retards on the internet, i've encountered another entry for the 'Peachy Is Life Retard Of MSN Award'.

This conversation has a little background story, so bear with me. Initially it started with a girl adding me on myspace, One of those hugely annoying 'Random Adds' whem add you, comment on you once and then you never hear from them again. Well this one was the same, she added, she commented.. that was about it. Being the true gentleman that i am, i felt the need to comment back, so i did.

Days passed.. untill one night on returning from a very drunken time in town i was greeted with this little gem in my inbox:

i saw the comments on my gf's suzanne's profile and i warn you know if u hit on her again i will smack you around like a lil bitch u mofo

Obviously being of both sound body and mind (!) i replied with a less then polite reply and went the bed, not knowing who this guy was or who infact suzanne was either.

It turned out that Suzanne was the random add on myspace, and this was her psycholly obsessed 15 year old boyfriend. A week passed untill Suzanne messaged me on msn claiming i had sent a message to her boyfriend to further wind him up (If that was even possible!).

Anyway, the msn logs speak for themselves. Here they are, enjoy!:

http://www.freewebs.com/reue999/

Chav'in It Up.

2006-03-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

I recently had the misfortune of being in a very long msn conversation with several teenage chavs.

Initially i was invited into this conversation by a friend of mine who was for some reason arguing with said chavs. Not being one to run away from a worthy challenege i accepted the invitiation and joined the group conversation.

Why is it that chavs feel the need to compensate for any mental abilities with crappy little icons in their names? Every other letter in these little bitches' names was some sort of symbol, it made my screen look like a bowl of lucky charms. Also, which moron over at MSN hq decided to add the ability to make letters into animations? almost every other word had a gap in it where the letters where supposed to be animated (but wernt as i had disabled that feature a looonnng time ago).

So anyway, it's me and 3 chavs in a group convo... im gonna need some help. Knowing exactly who to turn to i invite leon and simon in to give me a hand.

What followed was nearly 2 hours of constant abbuse (Mainly aimed towards our mums) and general mindless banter...

Heres some stats for you:

My 'mum' was popular, mentioned 65 times.

'Init' is still popualr with them, mentioned 24 times

I'm surprised they're not pregnant already, what with 'fuck' mentioned 78 times!

Apparently i need to get one... 'Life' mentioned 12 times

They seem to know my sexual preferance.. 'gay' mentioned 6 times

Least they know what they are, 'bimbo' mentioned 64 times

'Chav' mentioned 47 times

They coulnt be bothered to type boy... 'boi' mentioned 14 times.

They seemed to come to a strong conclusion that i should 'die'.. mentioned 120 times

Seems even the might of microsoft couldnt even combat this tide of idiocy:
http://images.redial.net/errors.JPG

Because your Ugly! Thats why.

2006-01-24T03:05:00.000-08:00

I recently got sent this on myspace:

Girl: Hi.

Boy: Umm... hi.

Girl: I have to tell you something...

Boy: What?

Girl: I really like you. And I... I think I'm falling in love with you.

Boy: Ok...

Girl: What do you mean "ok"?

Boy: I don't like you like that...

Girl: Why not?

Boy: I can't tell you... maybe another time...

From then on, the girl kept asking the boy "Why not?" whenever she saw him, and he kept answering the same answer of "I'll tell you later." Finally the girl got fed up.

Girl: I'm tired of this! Tell me why you don't like me!

Boy: Do you really wanna know why?

Girl: Yes!

Boy: It's because you're not pretty! What's the point of going out with someone when they're not pretty?!

Girl: But... I...

Boy: Just shut up and leave me alone!

The boy leaves and the girl is sitting there alone, crying her heart out. Then her cell phone rings.

Girl: Hello?

Mom: Sweetheart? I want you to go home, ok? I'll be home from work in a few hours.

Girl: Alright Mom.

Mom: I love you.

Girl: I love you too, Mom.

Mom: Bye Bye.

Girl: Bye

The girl heads home and once she got there, she went in the bathroom and looked at herself in the miror.

Girl: I'm not pretty enough...

She set to work, knwoing fully well what she was going to do. 2 hours later, her Mom came home and heard the bath water running. She went upstairs to find the hallway flooded so she knocked on the door.

Mom: Honey? Are you alright?

She opened the door and was shocked at the site. The bath was overflowing onto the floor and the water was tinted red. She walked over to see what was inside and screamed. There, her little girl was lying with cuts all over her face and wrists. Her Mom backed away and was going to run to call the police when something caught her eye. On the miror, a piece of paper was taped up.

"Am I Pretty Enough Now?"....

No one deserves to be told that by someone they love. If you find it messed up then repost this (am i pretty?)

A person's appearance doesn't count. What counts is their heart inside of them and their personality. No one wants to be told they're not good enough... Do you?

What a load of crap. I can so relate to that guy, i mean the girl was bugging him constantly, he tried to be nice about it but noo, she wanted an answer! So she got an answer.. dont like the answer? TOUGH SHIT! Serves you right for asking so much bitch.

I mean seriously, people bug me loads to give them a 'truthful' answer to all kinds of shit... do any of you people actually think that maybe im not giving you the right answer cause i cant be bothered... im not giving it because its actually better for you?

Stop thinking the whole world revolves around you and that everyone should tell you everything. If you want me to tell you your ugly then fine, i have no problem with that... just dont go crying when you find out the truth hurts.

(Ps, stop sending me crap myspace bullitiens)

Bitter sweet farewells

2005-09-01T03:28:00.000-07:00

I havnt posted on this for a long time, for reasons of my own, however i fear that i shall be unable to post for much longer hereafter. In 3 weeks i move away from home, away from friends and family to a place i have never been before and know little about.

It is seeming increasingly likely that in my new home i will be unable to access the hive of viruses and pron known as the internet, in which case my only able times for connection will be when i return home in 3 and 9 months.

Fw: Plz 4Rdw TiS 2 All Ur M8s! LoL!

2005-04-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Many things annoy me, most of which are directly related to people being stupid. Most of time this dosent annoy me so much as it has very little effect on me, However it is when i become involved that it really pisses me off.

I refere to the huge amount of chain-mail i recieve from those 'friends' of mine whom havnt quite managed to climb the hill of IQ.

Most chainmail can be places into several groups:

Forward this to XXX people and win XXX

These are the kind of chain mail which usually begins with:

"OMG! At First I didnt believe this, but then i done it and did believe it! OMG!!"

The basic concept is you forward the mail to a number of other people and in return you will be rewarded with money/prizes/eternal luck. What pisses me off especially about the people whom send this kind of crap to me is the knowledge that i actually know someone who is retarded enough to believe it!

If you dont foward this to XXX people you will have bad luck / Never find love / Die

Just when people finally started to wise-up to that first kind of junk-mail, Instead of attempting to bribe people to spread the e-mail, They've taken to threatening people instead.

I've recieved a whole range of different threats via e-mails should i fail to pass them on to at LEAST 100,000,000 people! Heck, by all medical knowledge, i should be dead by now.

Please forward this or else my baby/wife/Me will die!

Everyone's recieved one of these, The kind which claims to be being 'tracked' and that some big company will pay person X 3p for every person you forward it to...

Heres a news flash for all you idiots... THEY CANT TRACK E-MAILS YOU SEND OUT... Not legally at least, and even then i highly doubt any large company would spend the time or effort hacking and tracking the incomming and outgoings of every-single-person whom recieves the e-mail.

Most of the time they also include a photo of the person whom will die should i fail to pass on the e-mail... Problem is most of the time, the kid in the photo is so ugly i fail to pass on the e-mail just because i WANT the little shit to die.

Omg!! Wtf!! You have been hacked!! Visit this site or else!!

"You have been hack by the XXX Group! Please visit this website and install whatever it tells you and we wont hack you."

Sometimes i actually click the link just to give my anti-virus a good warm-up

Hotmail is deleting all old accounts, please prove you are active by sending this to XXX people

Same old story, Hotmail is looking to reduce its wasted memory by deleting all expired accounts. As such you must prove yours isnt inactive by sending around some spam.

Has anyone who actually send out this e-mail every stopped and thought that maybe its easier for Hotmail to just check when people's last log-in was then to track and count every time someone forwards that e-mail?

And there you have it, The main forms of chain-mail, and proof that none of them would exist if people wernt so stupid.

This is not you

2005-03-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

Why cant some people just accept the fact that their lives suck? Seriously, no point in trying to deny it when your stuck in a dead end job, dont have a girlfriend and havnt got drunk with mates in years. YOUR LIFE SUCKS!... and yet still many people refuse to accept it. If they accept there is a problem they can begin to solve it, but by ignoring it, only further the existance of their shitty days.

The other day, whilst cruising through town on my kick-ass bike (By cruising i mean going as fast as possiable whilst weaving in and out of the shopping crowds in the attempt to startle as many people as possiable) when i happened to come accross a middle aged, bald, fat guy wearing a red t-shirt with LIFEGUARD printed accross the front and a cross on the back. Unsurprisingly this wasnt the only person i saw with such a top on, and even more unsurprisingly they were all fat/bald/ugly/old/losers.

Who are they trying to kid? Themseleves? Because i doubt anyone who passes someone on the street wearing a 'Lifeguard' top is gonna think to themselevs: 'Wow, that guy sure is cool'. Quit trying to kid yourseleves!

I'd be damned if i ever went around wearing a top saying 'Boring office job worker' or 'Fast food server' or even 'Grass cutter'... So why the hell do these people pretend like they're lifeguards?

Quit kidding yourseleves, you'll never be the real thing

Persistance sucks

2005-02-20T02:27:00.000-08:00

Why is it that people regard persistance as something which, if strong enough, will have an eventual pay-off? Being persistant in anything sucks. It takes too much time, effort (And usually money) to be persistant. If something isnt working, just give up! No point dancing around the obvious... If your relationship with that girl in the same English class as you isnt working out, dump the bitch. No point bothering with "I'll always love you", "just give me a chance" or even "Lets still be friends". Dump the bitch and move on to something better with a bigger payoff for your hard earned date money.

Its bad enough having to endure the continued stupidity of two people you know who clearly shouldnt be together if they really were the last people on earth, however still they continue to pretend as if their relationship is going along just fine. But what really pisses me off is when large companies take the same logic that if they try enough times, people will just roll over and hand them their money.

Take the well known example of junk mail, one of the most annoying forms of persistance:

Thats a quick screenshot of my junkmail folder. Lets do some quick maths. All those arrived in 2 days, so thats 22 messages in 2 days. Of which only 1 is anything i actully want to read. So 21 junk messages in 2 days, 10 messages a day roughly.

9 of those are for viagra or some other medican shit
4 are for a diet
4 are for hookers
And 4 are just plain junk

All this leads to the question as to who actually bothers to not only read that crap, but also click on the dodgy links given and enter their credit card details on the 'secure' site which comes up. I simply can't believe, even with all the complete morons in todays society, that anyone would be dump (or desperate) enough to even consider making purchases of this shit.

So why do they bother, why do the retards sitting at their computors who are sending out these e-mails in their millions bother to do it. And furthermore, why do they bother to do it continually. It's not as if someones suddenly going to go: "O look, that viagra e-mail looks particularly good today... i might actually buy some of it". No, instead people simpley turn on their junk mail filters and the retard sending this crap has just wasted his time and money sending e-mails which are automatically deleted. Congratulations!

Junk mails sucks almost as much as chain-mail... but thats a whole-nother blog!

Day Time Tv

2004-12-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

Its the Christmas holidays; Bringing with it bad weather, bad traffic and even worse day time tv.

Today i had the misfortune of tuning in just in time to catch the title screen of a film 'Alaska'. As it was made in 1996, i thought it couldnt be too bad.. at least the film was in colour (Always an advantage over the average mid-day film). Anyway, the film follows the rather boring adventure (And i use the term lightly) of 2 teens who go treking through the mountains to find their father who managed to crash his plane.
The basic plot throws up a huge number of questions as to why the hell 2 teenagers could manage to cross several hundred miles of mountian terrain in a few days and also why the inital search-and-rescue gave up after 5 minutes of 'searching'.

But anyway, here we are with 2 never before acted child actors walking accross mountains in the attempt to find their father... When they encounter a polar bear cub (Probabley the best actor in the entire film).

I'll just skip the next hour and a half of pointless plot and go straight onto the ending...

Due to the huge size of Alaska.. the children have no idea where their father is... so they basically walk around in random directions. Untill of corse.. the polar bear cub begins walking up a mountain! Wow! I wasnt expecting that one!

Upon seeing the cub make an obvious break for freedom, the eldest of the 2 idiots comes out with the most retarded comment ive heard in a film for a long long long time..

'We have to trust the bear'

Great idea! Lets trust an animal whos basic instinct is to kill eat, kill eat, kill eat.

Fucking idiots

Blogging the Microshit way

2004-12-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

It appears that in an attempt to grab a peice of the hugly expanding blogging popularity craze, Microsoft have released their over version of the infamous blogspots. The bright sparks at Microshit came up with the name 'MSN: Spaces'... clever?! i think not..

As with any marketing gimick, a catchy slogan is needed to attract and retain the attention of the drunken masses, and heres microsofts: 'MSN: Space... Blogging the Microsoft way!'
So if MSN: Spaces is truly “blogging the Microsoft way!” then this is roughly what it’ll boil down to. Slow loading page with large amounts of coding errors which will scan your blog entries for keywords to target advertising at you and also help them “develop software more suited to your use” in the future (that’s actually bollocks they just want to know whose looking at porn and if the porn’s worth downloading themselves.) But to be honest In between the blogs about “I fancy this guy but im too much of a pre-pubescent loser to ask him out” and the “I ate food today, it was good.” I don’t think their gonna get much infomation out of these people.

Scrolling down the Microshit's blogging infomation page, it gives a list of avaliable features to users of the service:

Publish online - Sound off daily, weekly, by event - whenever you want to share. List your recommendations for music, travel or books.

Well at least they’ve got a decent bull-shitter working at MSN all theve done is publicise the fact you can update whenever you damm well feel like. Like every other blogging site.

Post photos - Share your photos individually or build a slideshow. You can post directly from Hotmail if you like. Show off your trip, your kids, your car - it's your online photo album.

Great, not only do you have to read about WhineyBitchA but you’re also forced to look at pictures of WhineyBitchA in all her fake jewelry and slutty clothing glory. Oh and the occasional picture of her pet dog which noone truly gives a shit about.

Make recommendations - Share your list of favorite music, books, and travel, and include links to more information.

Yeh, because we all really wanna know that that the person who wrote “This is the true story, about Tim, as told by his friends. Stay tuned. . . “ likes to listen to Eminem and loves the Matrix. Thanks, there’s two pieces of information that just allowed me to die a happy man.

Control your Space - Set access level to Private to allow only those you choose to see your Space, or open your Space to the public. All users must first accept a Code of Conduct and have an authenticated .NET Passport to access your Space.

See now this is actually worth it. If only more people would take advantage of this you wouldn’t be forced to stumble from crap blogger to crap blogger each time you press the 'random blog' button.

See what others think - Let people post comments to your Space. Don't worry - you can set your Space so that nothings gets posted unless you say "Okay".

YAY! Censorship for the masses! Let people post their opinions of your blog, but dont worry if they dont like it! you can just filter that!

"Gleam" - Your Messenger Contact Card will Gleam to notify people when you've updated your Space. Plus, friends can preview your Space right from your Contact Card. (You must be using MSN Messenger Beta to see this feature.)

What happened to messaging the people on your contact list and having a conversation with them? I’m sure whatever dull crappy drivel happened to you in your life today they either already know about or it would be easier (and to be honest would be more interesting) to tell them in a conversation, why do you need to “gleam”?

So, to sum it all up, total - waste - of - time... But no doubt hundreds of thousands will flock to take advantage of this new service. Heck! i might just do it myself purely for a place to complain about Microsoft.

(Thanks to Simon for base material)

Because blogspots suckswww.peachyislife.co.uk

2004-12-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

I hate blogspots, half the features dont work, most of the people using it are boring to death, And you have no idea how much site content has been lost because the page froze while trying to load my lastest post to the site.

So, in my almoghty wisdom, i have taken the first steps away from shit-spots and get a half-decent domain name:

www.peachyislife.co.uk

Go on, click it, and you will find yourself... right back here! Am currently working on the possability of moving hosting away from blogspots.

Because life really is peachy
www.peachyislife.co.uk

I'm A Celebrity... When I'm Out Of Here!

2004-11-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

In respondance the the huge success of C4's Big Brother, I.T.V. came up with the 'brilliant' strategy of copying Big Brother. Producing: 'I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of Here!' The difference? Put them in a jungle instead of a house and make them boring F-List Celebritys no-one's ever heard of.

It was a Friday evening and as usual i had just missed the end of the Simpsons, so, being the easily distracted person that i am, decided to switch over and see what else was on. Up came the infamous 'Im A Celeb' logo on the screen, Having heard alot of talk about this show i decided to stay tunned in the vain hope it might actually be decent... how very wrong i was. Turns out the celebritys (And i use the term loosly) are the most boring bunch of people ever. They sit around, they talk, they continue to sit around, they continue to talk... And thats it. That really is the entire program it seems.

How the fuck can ITV think people will actually want to watch this garbage?! 'Because its got famous people in it'... Oh, Thought id take a look at the itv website and find out who these 'famous' people were:

Antonio Fargas; (Who?)
Janet Street-Porter; (??)
former royal butler Paul Burrell; (A butler.. Wow!)
Sheila Ferguson, the former Three Degrees star; (What the fuck was three degrees?)
Natalie Appleton, the ex-All Saint; (Shit band)
Joe Pasquale, a squeaky-voiced comedian; (Wow, what a description)
Sophie Anderton, a model; (Gotta have a bimbo in somewhere)
Nancy Sorrell, a former pole dancer married to comedian Vic Reeves; (Sounds like the husband is more famous then the 'celeb')
Fran Cosgrove, a former nightclub owner; (A nightclub owner?! *Yawn*)
and Brian Harvey, a former member of boy band E17. (Never heard of the band, must have been shit)

Come to think of it after looking down that list, there sure are alot of FORMER people. What happened? they all get fired from their jobs once the boss realised they were going to appear on the nation's most boring TV series?
Or maybe they all just think they will become famous from being on the show: I'm a Celebrity... WHEN i'm out of here!

As if watching and listening to the lowest form of 'Celebrity' there is on tv wasnt bad enough, you can't actually listen to much at all because half of what they are saying is censored out for 'legal reasons'... (Probabley them bitching about how shit the show actually is).

Maybe i should just leave a webcam on facing a bedroom wall... Would make more interesting viewing.

How Are You?

2004-11-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

Msn - What a great service. The ability to add and chat to 'friends' across the world. When your contact list begins to reach the max limit you'll begin to notice that you have sub-consciously ranked contacts into separate categories.

1. Good friends - You chat to them regularly.
2. Friends - You chat to them occasionally
3. Others - These are the people you never talk to, they are there merely for the point of being there for when you need something from them.

It is from this 3rd category which most of your contacts will be from.

Anyway, today, I just so happened needed to copy some work off of a 'mate' (Cause I'll be damned if im actually gonna do the work myself) and thought it would at least be polite to enquire as to the well being of the individual (Not that I actually cared). I then spend the next 10 minutes looking at this:

What the hell? I don't want a fucking essay, I only asked because it'll increases the chances of you allowing me to copy your work. Why the fuck to people think others give a damn about how they are? No-one cares!

Take a look at other people's pages hosted on blogspots (use the random blog link at the top corner) and take a browse at the sort of crap people have posted. No-one cares how you feel, they're only asking it because for some reason it is considered polite.

I mean, if someone wanted something from my, why the hell go through all the polite crap? Much more efficient:

Guy X: I need that document sent to me
Reue: Sending
Document has been sent
Guy X: Document received

There, no 'hellos', no 'goodbyes' and certainly no 'how are you'. Just asking what you want and saving me having to waste my time by answering your pointless questions.

Next time you want something from me, just cut the crap and ask for it... Means I can say No alot quicker and we can both continue with our lives.

When life gets you down... Suicide

2004-11-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

There are several things in life which make it worth living... And no, im not talking about all that Friends, love and happiness shit. Infact, heres my top 3 all time favorites:

3. Taking up the entire bus back row on a crowded rainy day
2. Pushing little kids out of the way... just because i can
1. Laughing at others misfortune.

There really is nothing more satisfying and funnier then watching someone trip over a cracked slab and fall flat on their face in the midlle of a puddle. Infact just o get full effect i sometimes point while laughing.

So anyways, on a typical day, despite people's constant stupidity, there are times when there simpley isnt anyone suffering at which to laugh. It's time such as these when i turn to my dear friends... Write-in Columns.

You've all read them, the type of thing where bitchy teenager A writes in to Fat old underpaid lady B and complains that her fuck ugly boyfriend C dumped her for slightly better looking girl D. And at the end of it, Fat old lady B writes a pages long reply about the 'power of relationships' and other such Valintine's Day propogada crap.

Well obviously, my site being as kick ass as it is, i thought id give it a go at offering a 'heartfelt and emotional' response to the many problems of losers around the world... Enjoy:

I Want Sex

I've been getting off with this guy for a few weeks now, but I'm bored and i think i must be ready to go further. Trouble is, I'm not sure how to go about it. What should i do first? - Loser Girl, 16

Jesus! You've been going out a whole week and he still hasnt done you over in the broom cupboard at school?! What a loser. If the guy cant get the hint that you wanna get laid its time to find someone who does! There are many desperate guys around if you are willing to settle for less (something which breaths and dosent faint at the sight of blood), Just dress a little sluttier and you'll be sure to find someone.

I can't flirt!

I really fancy this lad in the year above at school, but i've got no idea how to flirt. I've tried turning on the charm, but my friends say it just made me look tarty. What's garanteed to get his attention? - Ugly Girl - 15

'Tried turning on the charm'... What sort of pussy comment is that? You mean you tried winking at him in the corridor didnt you? Fuck it, if any ugly girl ever tried that to me she'd get a bag in her face as i walked past. Your friends sound like bitches.. Who cares if you wanna dress like a tart to attract a guy. I'll tell ya what's garenteed to get his attention - Strip. Although it may also attract the attention of the police for indecent exposure, but don't worry! i'm sure you'll form a great relationship with your new cell buddy covered in tattoos and keeps dropping the soap.

I cut myself
Recently i've started cutting my wrists and legs. I've had a lot of arguments with my mum and dad about school and going out with friends. I'm really ashamed of myself and there's no-one i can speak about this. Please help me. - Annoying girl, 15

Theres a one word answer to all your problems - Suicide. Do the world a favour and quit all your bitching with one simple action. Heck! you could even make some entertainment from it! Do it somewhere in public and get a huge crowd to watch... Best thing you'll ever do in your shitty life.

And there you have it. Wow i would be such a kick ass Agony Aunt. I've got tonnes of these problem pages so could always write more if people wanted?

I kick ass

Basic maths (And the joys of being drunk)

2004-11-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Being the ever less patient and more regularly bored generation that we are, We take it upon ourseleves to provide our own forms of entertainment. For some this may involved stealing, for other arson is high ammusing.. but for me personally it is to get so drunk that you simpley cannot remember what happened the night before.... The theory being that any party you cant remember must have been a great party!

It has since become apparent at such partys that people react differently under the influence of alcohol. Case in example: 'Leons Basic Maths Equation'... Enjoy!:

... And he was ment to be the designated sober person...

I Love The Internet

2004-10-29T13:41:00.001-07:00

Reue Wow! an e-mail from an address i never seen before, Topic is 'hi' and all it contains is a Zip file attachment...

Reue better open it quick and see what it is!!

drd Better forward it to everyone you know first

drd let them share the joy

Reue oo yes

Reue cant be selfish

Reue infact, ill unzip it first then attach the program contained so they dont even have to bother unzipping

drd wow you are such a nice guy

drd i wish i was your friend

Reue oh, dont worry, ill add some crappy '10 things the perfect guy does' list to it and get everyone to forward it to everyone

Reue you'll get it eventually

drd yay!

"Tradition?!... I'll soon fix that!"

2004-10-23T04:40:00.000-07:00

It's half term, A time when schools close for a much needed cleansing, Teachers go off to get drunk and students go off to get even more drunk.

So anyway, Half term, nothing to do (except the obvious huge amounts of corsework... but THAT aint gonna happen!) So i decided to pay a visit to the schools poor excuse for a website. Now, i've seen some pretty shit excuses for websites in my time but this one takes the gold award. The colours suck, the layout sucks and the content sucks them all. Seriously, why dont they just hand control of it over to me?! Then at least the could get some decent content on that crap thing. Seriously though, they are so desperate for people to visit the site they've taken to having it as the set homepage for every student. No-one wants to see that as soon as they log in!

So, here i am cruising this 'website' when i come accross a link to another website about the school. Feeling that nothing could possiabley be as bad as the actual offical school website i decided to take a lil visit. Turns out this site is dedicated to the school as it was in the 1970s. And it turns out the site was very imformative.

I took a look at the uniform page, school uniform has been exactly the same for the past 30 years... Well... that was untill Marshal came along and decided to change all that.

So, i took a look at the photos of the front of the school, lovly black and white pictures of the carpark, entrance foyer and english department... Infact it has looked exactly the same for the past 30 years untill... once again... Marshal came along and changed all that.

Finally i took a look at the school transportation page. Seems the vast majority of students caught buses to school back then as well... and.... Finally i found something which Marshal hasnt changed:

"Pupils from lower years were supposed to sit three-to-a-seat on coaches where they were overcrowded. I seem to remember the phrase "budge up!" was the usual protocol. Needless to say, fights often broke out."

Somethings never change

Marshal Law

2004-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

A long time ago there was once a little known website (by little I actually mean very well known) by the name of 'TG Prison Camp'. The aim of this memorable site was to expose to the world the realities of a secondary school comically portrayed through the eyes of an 'imprisoned' teenager. The said site became so increasingly popular that it had to be closed down before the arrival of the new Commandant to the camp for fear of internal extermination. All hail the new Head 'teacher'... Mrs Marshal.

Scince the arrival of TG Prison Camp's newest and top member of the heirachy, it has become increasingly apparent that the 'school' is now under a new form of control... Such appropriately named:

MARSHAL LAW

Definitions associated with the new Marshal Law:

Marshal - military officer of the highest rank in some countries. - No arguing with that one. 1 month into the job and already she has changed the uniform, timetable, lessons, homework diaries and building.

To Marshal - To arrange or place (troops, for example) in line for a parade, maneuver, or review. - Ohhh yes, line the troops up ready for inspection as they enter the main hall for assembly.

Law - A rule of conduct or procedure established by custom, agreement, or authority. - .... By custom, agreement or authority.... No points for guessing which it is for Marshal Law.

In less then 1 month the new commandant has managed to totally re-write most of the things fundamental to the real school and as such will leave a lasting scar on many years of children to come.

Bring back the reign of Commandant Comber!

Can you spell i-n-c-o-m-p-e-t-e-n-t?

2004-09-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

in·com·pe·tent
adj.
1) Not qualified in legal terms: a defendant who was incompetent to stand trial.
2) Inadequate for or unsuited to a particular purpose or application.

In this world, nobody is perfect and as such nobody can expect anyone else to be perfect. With the a job in the public service (as previously noted) i come across many different people and many many many such imperfections. Normally we can just shrug it off with the knowledge that they wont have any effect on our lives. However there are some situations when this just cannot be true.

I was today on a tour around a chemistry lab at a university (Bad enough given the fact i have no interest whatsoever in chemistry and even more so by the fact i was still recovering from a hangover) when we were greeted by what seemed to be someone of some importance within the department. He seemed to fit the stereotype of a chemist with a white coat, polished shoes and a shiny bald patch at the top of his head. You would think that such a figure would be perfect for a tour of the facilities... However you would be mistaken. It took 5 minutes to figure out how to make the elevator move, 10 minutes to find the right floor and then rounded off nicely with 20 minutes inside the staff room looking out of the window as he pointed out the local geographical importance. This is a chemistry department... If I wanted a geography lecture I would have gone on a geography tour. Seriously, if you don't know what your doing, don't do it! How hard is that to understand. Obviously this is beyond my new friend as he then proceeded to guide us round one of the most utterly pointless tours ever, of which the highlights included:

- A trip to the library smaller then the average bathroom
- Peering through the tiny windows into people's empty offices
- Avoiding being electrocuted while stepping over unprotected high voltage wires
- and finally - Looking at a picture on the wall for 20 minutes.

Jesus, think of the headlines if someone drowned in a swimming pool because the local lifeguard couldnt swim... Or if the ambulance personnel had a fear of blood? There would be public outrage! But no... instead this complete moron is being allowed to teach generation after generation of young people.

Incompetent people should be fired. simple.

Who needs religion? Just worship me!

2004-09-01T02:40:00.000-07:00

Is was just now trying to get onto this site (mostly to check it hadnt been hacked already) and accidentally made a small typo. It was only 2 letters in the wrong places but yet had devestating effect on my internet browsing experience. The site i ended up at was:

"A mega-site of Bible, Christian and religious information & studies, including,audio and written KJV Bible, Bible helps & tools, churches, Doctrine, links, news,prayer, prophecy, sermons, spiritual warfare, statistics, and tracts. Features the Chronological 4 Gospels, Prayer Book, Prophecy Bible, and a photo tour of Israel"

Wow, given the title i would have thought the site was a pile of shit... but now i've learnt they give a photo tour of Isreal im hooked!

I hence decided to scroll down a bit to see what else was on the page, but there presented a further problem, the entire page is most block after block of bible writings. I mean seriously, is this guy so insecure that his site is so terriable people wont ever go to any of his other pages and as such he has to cram it all onto the front page?! Hasnt he realised that anyone who actually gives a damn about the contents of a bible will actually OWN a bible?.

Looking back at the top i found a subheading 'Site Purpose', amazed that this site actually HAD a purpose other then to act as a laughable typo to my own kick ass site i thought i would strin myself to read the terriable grammar and poor font selection:

"TO SEEK AND TO SAVE THAT WHICH WAS LOST-Lk 19:10. TO FEED (HIS) LAMBS; FEED (HIS) SHEEP-ref Jn 21:15-17."

Oh, i get it now! This site is all about farming! wow, and for a minute there i thought i really had found the most pointless page on the internet.

Go and check out my typo site if your really that bored:

My Typo Site

And finally i give you the top paragraph of the page:

AN INCREDIBLE TESTIMONY PROVING THE BIBLE IS TRUE, PLUS A COMMENTARY
ON THE NEAR FUTURE ARE JUST AHEAD ON THIS HOME PAGE. PLEASE READ IT.

Dont believe i've ever gone to a website which has had to literally beg me to read it.

Peachy Is Life

2004-08-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

I shall sometime be switching all my posts away from blogspots and onto a better hoster where i can edit more layout stuff etc (because blogspots really does suck). Will post new address here once it is done.

Wow! My own online diary!

2004-08-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

Dont you hate it when people think their lives are even slightly interesting and as such simply have to tell you about it? I mean there really is nothing worse then listening to an obviously boring person talking about their even more obviously boring life and all the while your just confirming to yourself that this person is infact.. boring.

Well imagine the pain suffered when these people who clearly should not have been given the power of speech decide to post their thoughts and actions onto the internet?! You end up with literally thousands and thousands of pages of complete crap. Heres something a found when browsing through totally random 'Blogspots':

'Today i am angry. this girl on msn annoyed me so i thought it would be funny to block her. Wow my life is so shit im going to write about it on the internet in the hope someone will read it and assure me my life isnt shit'

Ok, i admit i added in that last part, but seriously! Who gives a damn if this guy was angry and blocked some retard on msn?! NO-ONE! Quit wasting server space so it can be used by something more worthwhile. These people actually genuinly believe people read their crap. On one site i unfortunatly met with, some girl had been writing near everyday for the past month about her pitiful life. And just how many comments had she had to any of her posts? None. Because no-one wants to read a 5000 word essay on your exact movements for that day.

I write on here because i get bored... easily (hence why i went trawling through those other shit blog sites). I dont write in the vain hope people will keep reading them and think im cool. I dont write because i want people to 'understand' me. And i dont write because i think people will be interested in hearing exactly what i do each and everyday... because they wont!

Stop writing about your shit lives... noone cares.

Greatest phone in the universe

2004-08-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

In recent years, what once started as a passion has now turned into an obsession not only with teenagers but with practically every age and every profession: Mobil phones. It seems that you simply arnt 'cool' if your phone is anything taller then 2 inches and dosent have at LEAST 200 ringtones to choose from. These things are so delicate that you have to use the very tip of your finger to try and ensure you only push 1 button and god help you if it ever recieves the slightest bumb... because that thing will literally disintigrate in your palm.

Thats why my phone really is 'The Greatest Phone In The Universe'... ever.

It can hold up 20 messages, has 15 built-in ringtones with no ability to add more and comes with a built in theft deterrant (As no-one would be seen dead stealing this thing)... F33r:

Comes complete with huge buttons (So even us stubby fingered guys can use it), a little flashing light (Which flashes every 3 seconds just to remind you its turned on) and eve a vibrate function allowing it to become so much more then just a phone ;)

This thing truely is the greatest phone in the universe. It has survived many... many bike crashes, As show by the cracks in the screen. and as such has now lead me to believe that it is indestructable.

The great thing about my phone is that it is totally 1 of a kind as i can garentee they have stopped making these and anyone who has ever bought one will have certainly disposed of it long ago. Therefore resulting in me being the sole owner of this 1 of a kind miracle.

F33r my UbeR L33T FonE!

Throwing rocks hurts!

2004-08-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Apparently there is a brand of cloathing which has recently come into fasion and closly relates the saying 'Girls are suger and spice and all things nice. Boys are slugs and snails and puppy dog tails'. The said brand goes by the slogan 'Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!'.

Throw Rocks At Boys Poster

What sort of company promotes such violence at what is clearly the superior sex?!

Well, as it was my friend 'Sarah' who happened to mention this to me, i have decided of a much better version; Behold:

Avaliable for sale in quantities of 1000,5000 and 100,000.

Do you work here?

2004-08-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Working in the public service industry gives one a unique glimpse into the actions of the general public as seen from a totally different view point. Everyday at work i see literally hundreds of different people and attitudes all day, thousands if an event is on. And as such gain the chance to meet and interact with so many different personalitys. Sounds great dosent it?! Think again! With every hundred people that walk through those big smudgy glass doors comes at least 1 hopelessly stupid person its a wonder they actually made it to the doorway instead of walking into one of the many, many windows.

Each day i drudge into work knowing that at some point in the day i will have the opportunity to meet one such individual. It becomes not a matter of 'if' but more a matter of simply 'when'. As such i thought i would give you lucky people an insight into the kind of idiocy i have to deal with.

Ok, picture the scene: Its early January, Snowing, 7am in the morning and im outside in just shorts + T-shirt dragging goal posts around... So obviously i am not in the best of moods. What better time for that 1% of the population to come walking accross to me and ask: "Do you work here?". I mean, i could'nt possiabley think of a more totally stupid thing to ask given the situation but obviously this was beyond my new friend standing beside me. It too a good few seconds to seep in what had actually been said as i honestly could not believe it. Obviously a few thoughts creept into my head: 'No, of corse i dont work here! I just enjoy getting up at 7am on a Saturday to pull goal posts around in the SNOW!'. But of corse as anyone working with the general public will tell you, you just have to grit your teeth, smile, and answer slowly enough that those idiots can understand.

-- More to come later --

Mean fiddler has done it again

2004-08-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

Its hard to believe Mean Fiddler could have possiabley become any more retarded as to that represented in the 2004 Line-up (See July post), However you can then imagine my total surprise when i happened to stumble across this at the official festival website:

SAY NO TO SURFING

Ever had someone's boot in your face while trying to watch your favourite band? Not much fun is it? Please don't crowd surf at this year's Carling Weekend Reading Festival. Not only could you hurt yourself but you may injure someone else and ruin their weekend too. You will be ejected from the festival if you're found to be persistently crowd surfing.

I kid you not, this little gem of retardness (complete with 60s style hippy protest picture) was on the main Reading Festival website right at the top of the news section.

You dont wanna get hurt? - Stay at the back
You wanna hear the bands? - buy their CDs
You wanna see the bands? - Watch them on TV

This is a ROCK festival, not the BBC Proms in the Park. Dear God.

Mean Fiddiler

2004-07-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Its proberlly a really stupid idea to trust someone with a name which suggests their going to screw you over, i mean they might as well re-brand themselves "Weregonnascreyouover". It wont affect their buisness, simply for the fact that people will do ANYTHING for a reading festival weekend ticket, heck I even bought one. I have to give them some credit though... You've gotta have alot of balls (or a lack of brains) to seemingly try your hardest to piss off the very people whom you rely on for profit.

I mean lets start with the £10 charge for wednesday camping, You pay your hard earned tenner to get into the festival campsite (*note* campsite ONLY)... Well golly i shure hope the grass is painted with gold because otherwise id be under the impression im getting ripped off! Then theres the amazing sales tactic of forgetting to tell people there wasnt gonna be a second batch this year; "Whoops sorry guys, did we really forget to mention this?? looks like theres no festival for you! Ah well, you can always go and shell out 3 times the usual price for a ticket on e-bay!"

And who can forgive the line-up this year? Has the person who arranges the main stage lineup actually LOOKED at the list before signing that big peice of paper confirming all the bands?. Yes there are some great bands playing but these all seem to be crammed inbetween the huge amounts of total crap which has been bunged in there. I honestly have no idea what the hell the people over at Mean Fiddiler were thinking. Maybe they were trying to bring in some different 'types' of music for the festival goers? Well excuse me! I didnt pay 100 quid (or 300 quid if you'd been counting on that second batch) to listen to some crap which the people over at Mean Fiddiler think 'may' be interesting. I mean seriously, take: Goldie looking chain. The name just says it all, and probabley sends any mini mosher screaming for miles. Then it just keeps getting better with the likes of: Jurassic 5, The Roots, and of course the amazing 'pimp-tastic' (no i dont think that word actually exists but its proberlly how he refers to himself) 50 cent. Wow if he makes it out of leeds alive ill be surprised (please god let there be enough bottles to hurl at both him AND The Rasmus).

I could rant for hours about Mean fiddiler (and usually do if anyone brings up the subject), but i think ill save it untill after the festival... At which time i can give you a DETAILED description of how much it sucked rather then how much it is going to suck.

Dunk

(Thanks to Simon for base material)

Bordom Strikes

2004-07-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

Theres something about the long summer holidays which just makes you lose all track of time. Your whole day seems to shift 5 hours to one side resulting it going to sleep at 4am and waking up at 1pm. Such is my life now. And so, to fill in that annoying gap of time in which im not eating, sleeping or generally stumbeling around drunk, i decided to post some of my famous 'art-work' (edited stuff)... enjoy!

MSN Window

HomeWork Diary

2004-07-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few months ago just to let out some frustration -----

I lost my homework diary

Yes, it’s happened to all of us at least once in our long, grueling years at theale and is probably likely to happen once more before long. That stupid little piece of flimsy paper, carelessly held together by 2 staples which are guaranteed to break within to weeks of use and thus force you to spend the next 10 weeks of terms slowly and yet efficiently loosing it bit by bit. But once every so often you are bound to loose the whole thing. And it is only then that you realize how important it really is to you. It practically governs your life both in school and out of school. I mean, if you cant remember where to go next period… Who do you look to for support? A friend? A teacher? No… you reach into your bag and pull out the remaining pieces of your homework diary and frantically try to decipher the scribbles of shitty first day, first house period, hand writing containing your all important timetable. And then after school… In your ‘Not-So-Free-Time’ it is once again this object which controls the next 1-8 hours of your life as you desperately try to do the homework listed in for tomorrow and set at least 2 full weeks beforehand.

We all do it… Homework set for a week in advance is practically guaranteed to not even be thought about until the night before, and even then only when the user is forced to do so by glancing over the tattered pages of their homework diary and realizing they now have a 5000 page essay in for tomorrow when its 10:30 pm. If it hadn’t been for that diary, you could have lead a care-free evening watching some late night porno movie without a care in the world… But no.... Instead you are now frantically scribbling down the reasons why Germany invaded Poland and hoping your history teacher doesn’t realize you don’t have a clue in the world who Hitler is, was or ever will be.

It is therefore, these reasons that make your Homework Diary such an important ‘Implement of Learning’ as it is so put by the School Ruling. And furthermore why you are so totally, and undeniably ****ed should you loose it. You carefully try to retrace your day through school… Try to remember where you had your diary and at what point you may have lost it… But it’s of little good. Because of course, the moment some little year 7 happens to stumble across your homework diary, you can guarantee the torn pages will soon be flying across the Maths classroom in an attempt to hit Mr Parry square on the back of his head as he bends down to write another seemingly impossible question.

So what can you do?
Go ask your tutor if it has been handed in? - Ha! There’s even less chance of that then there is of your tutor giving a damn.
Asking at reception? – This is of course going on the presumption that someone has found it and handed it in which is flawed as it is (As previously mentioned) probably being used as ammunition in the war against loser teachers.
Ask your mates? – Now this is a good one. Because, lets be honest, how many of our mates wouldn’t pass up a chance to swipe something as valuable from your bag as a homework diary given half the chance? However you have less then half the chance of them every giving it back.
Give up? - Bingo, spot on, 100 points for this one. Give up, get over it, realize the thing is gone forever and begin writing down your timetable on a scrap bit of paper. Unless you actually find the diary yourself where you accidentally dropped it while making a grab for some fit girls ass, you don’t have a chance in hell of   ever finding it again.

And that’s it, I’ve lost my Homework Diary and can’t remember for shit what tomorrows homework is. So im off now to find a bit of scrap paper and write down my timetable while I can still remember it.

Life Is Peachy

2004-07-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

It gets to a time every week when, given the hundreds of thousands of possiabley millions of websites on the vast collection of viruses and pornography known as the internet, you actually realise you have nothing to do. All games seem boring, All the people signed into msn seem even more so boring and there really is nothing to do...

Well, faced with this rather bleak situation, i did what any other hopelessly bored person would do.... Go randomly though all the people on msn and have a look at their profiles. Oh dear god what a mistake that was. There really is nothing worse then reading about people talking about themselves (and yes i know, hippocritical). They try to sound cool (which they're obviously not if they are bothering to write about themselves in the vain hope someone incrediabley bored will actually read their profile). They try to be funny (And fail.... badly). And lastly, they try to be honest... (Which is quite possiabley the worst thing ever as anyone who has to write about themselves is obviously so boring and dull that an act such as writing their profile is mearly a desperate cry for attention).

So anyway, here i was crawling through the general crap which usually appears on most profiles: mostly people mentioning how cool/funny/honest they are. And i happened to come across a link at the bottem of someone's profile to a 'blog' site. Well, as previously mentioned, i had entered such a state of boredom such that even a website name like Blog (which would normally have made me begin clicking the exit button as fast as possiable) seemed midly interesting.

No points for guessing what i done next.... yes... clicked it and was lead to a site filled with.... People talking about themseleves! It just never ends! Well, like a fool, i decided i would contribute to this mass of sad people with nothing better to do then write about their ever boring lives so that it may provide a tiny amount of relief to those poor bored people that have begun looking throuhg people's profiles and so found a link to this page...

Enjoy!

-Dunk-